Interview with the first gentleman Essay

MANILA -My news editor asked me to interview the husband of the highest official of the land, Mr. Miguel â€Å"Mike† Arroyo. On the day appointed, I was whisked in to the Malacanang palace, where after the formalities, i. e. , being frisked by presidential guards in combat fatigues, I was shown in to the Philippines’ equivalent of the Oval Office. Mr. Arroyo rose to shake my hand. He was not tall, but immense, very fat, and had a bored air about him. With him was an old man wearing glasses, who introduced himself as Jess Santos, a lawyer and the First Gentleman’s spokesperson. The interview went on as follows: Q: I hear you’ve been busy these days, filing libel cases against some journalists. Jess: Yes, that is correct. You know these newspaper guys, they’re a pain in the ass. Always noisy. But of course you can’t help it. We live in a democracy, and the Philippines is the most democratic in Asia. I hope you’ll agree. But when they attack the First Gentleman, using all kinds of defamatory imputation, using the media to spread these lies and calumniate and slur him so as to blemish his clean and untainted reputation, he has to fight back. And there’s nothing wrong in using the courts to seek justice. (The First Gentleman nods gravely.) Q: Are there any truths to these so-called lies against the First Gentleman? Jess: Oh, no! None at all. This allegation about unexplained wealth, it’s absurd. It isn’t wrong to be rich, you know. But the main point here, which you must not miss, and should be emphasized in your column or whatever, is that Mr. Arroyo is a gentleman. I mean, a gentleman in the real sense of the word. You don’t see a gentleman everyday, do you? He is very dignified, punctilious of honor, the epitome of chivalry, gallantry, and respect. (The First Gentleman nods, dozing off. ) Q: Is it true he dared the lawyer of a defendant to a fistfight in court? (The First Gentleman opens his eyes, looks at me, but says nothing. ) Jess: Well, you know how it is with honorable men like the First Gentleman. They are very sensitive when their honor is brought to ridicule. And in order to preserve his honor and integrity, it is but normal for the First Gentleman to react in his defense by calling the offending party to a fight, which shows that the First Gentleman is not a pushover, nor is he a weakling, but a chivalrous man like the knights of old who were not afraid to do battle to defend their honor. Q: I see. What about his rumored liaison with a pretty woman, allegedly his secretary? Jess: (assuming a pained expression): Please, please, do not dignify such baseless, malicious accusations. The First Gentleman would never enter into an unchaste relationship with a woman other than his wife, the President, because a true gentleman will never entertain any immoral thought, much more an illicit affair with a woman. (The First Gentleman looks at the ceiling as if remembering something. ) Q: According to a columnist, the First Gentleman stayed in a $20,000 suite at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas when he went there to watch the fight between your Manny Pacquiao and Erik Morales. Jess: That is not true. I doubt if you can find such a room in Las Vegas. And even if he did, the expenses may have been paid by friends. You know the First Gentleman, he has friends from high places. Q: Well, I admit I don’t know him that much. And I notice he isn’t saying anything. Can I interview him? Jess: Oh, sure. There’s nothing to worry about him. He is the perfect gentleman. Q: Well, sir, could you react to the accusation that you have a secret bank account in Germany? FG: (unsmiling)Who told you that? Q: Well, it’s on the papers, sir. Just trying to get your reaction firsthand. FG: Well, um, it’s a lot of shit, I mean, whoever wrote that article is an asshole, I mean, he must be an enemy of the state to say such matters. Why, I know, being the First Gentleman, that there are continuing threats to our national security. Q: I also hear this issue was brought up by a certain Congressman Cayetano who is now running for Senator. And this person has challenged you to issue a waiver so that he could prove who’s telling the truth. FG: (scowling). The worthless scumbag! Scoundrel! Bloody fool! Pardon me, but I can’t help myself. You see, this person has been using his parliamentary immunity to attack me at every turn. I’m sick of him. But I won’t be dragged into this controversy. Q: He also says you brought 50 million pesos in a helicopter in Mindanao to buy votes in the last election where your wife won as President. FG: That is a lie! Don’t believe the goddam son of a gun! Q: And he has just issued a public statement that he is daring you to engage him in a debate at Plaza Miranda to show who is telling the truth. FG: The nerve! I will not stoop down to his level. If he wants, I challenge him to a fistfight (rolls up his sleeves). Q: He also says you are crook and a liar and an adulterer. FG: (roaring). He said that? Tell him to just wait. Tomorrow I’ll file twenty counts of libel against him. I have fifty lawyers to work on that. Jess: Now there, there, please don’t get excited. A gentleman is never riled up. FG: Tell him I will get his goddam ass! Jess: Please sir, you’re a real gentleman. FG: I know that, I know. And I’ll prove to the #@! =* guy that I’m a *&^%4# man of honor! (end of interview).